After a rather long vacation from MindSay, I've returned to it's mind numbing control to post again.

Not much has been going lately.  Usual stuff mostly.  I've gotten myself a distraction in the form of a boy named CJ, and life has been going pretty well.  My friend is living with me now, catch her at snoopygirl2008.  Um....hopefully I'll be going to the Adventure Dome at the circus circus next thrusday.  It's kind of our tradition that the four of us go together and bring our current attachments.  But as of now, out of the four of us, it's just me who's going to be bringing someone....

That is unless I can get Alex to come.  Alex is a guy that Lacey has liked since eigth grade before she moved and I'm trying to get them to see each other again.  I've got the best intentions, but I'm mostly doing it for my own enjoyment - it's fun to medel.  But I can pass off my doings as 'helping them' because neither one of them is very forward, so I'm just bringing each of them out of their shells.

About a week ago, Lacey and I were at the mall because my dad needed to go to one of the department stores.  I spotted Alex with his mother, presumably going shopping for his birthday.  I told dad that we would meet up with him later and we rushed off to follow Alex.  We were going to stalk him until we could reasonably 'bump into him'.  But when we turned around he had gone.  So we scoured the top floor for him until we realized that he probably didn't go into the Macy's, but went down the escalator.  So we went on to the bottom floor and looked for about an hour, walking at top speed, into every store window.  But *sigh* we never found him.  That was one of the most interesting days though.

STATISTICS

Name: Jennifer Michelle Clark (blah..)

Nicknames: Jen

Birth date: March 24, 1991

How old do you look: Yeah, fifteen maybe sixteen.  I’m a grade ahead so probably just 15 like I should be

Glasses/contacts: glasses for when I sit in the back of classrooms

Braces: no

Eye color: very light brown 

Hair color: brown with red tint from sun expos

Tattoos: when I can, a cross with rose vines wrapped around it with thorns

Piercings: just my ears for now, when I can, I'll wantseveral belly button rings in a circle

Siblings: a half sister who is twenty four

Pets: Happy & Molly, golden retrievers

FAVORITES

Band: all-time-favorite-they-can-do-no-wrong band is Dead Poetic, but soooo many others

Song: very very many, maybe right now, “The Fight Song” by Sanctus Real

Food: spicy food….idk, my dad’s food is really good

Movie: not sure

Color: black, silver, green, red

Actor/actress: Angelina Jolie, Owen Wilson, Christopher Grace, Danny Matterson

Sport/extreme sport: soccer, would love to try skydiving, have been rock climbing

LAST..

Movie watched: Mr. & Mrs. Smith

Show watched: That 70's Show 

Song listened to:  “Redeemer” Marilyn Manson on the Queen of the Damned soundtrack

Song stuck in your head: Aerials by System of a Down

Person talked to: my dad or lady from church, can’t remember if I said anything after I hung up the phone..

Wish: That I could possibly get packed for camp on time

Heartthrob: Hayden Christensen

Time you talked to your mom: about an hour ago

Compact disk listened to: Queen of the Damned Soundtrack

Compact disk bought: Anberlin “Blue Prints for the Black Market”

FOR OR AGAINST

Gay/lesbian relationships: let them have love, but I don’t like gay men who think they can get away with anything (name calling, insults) just because they’re gay,

Long distance relationships: only if you are so in love with them (real love…) that you can decide to not see anyone else until they come back

Online dating: never works, how can you kiss/hug someone over the internet?  Without that, you’re just good friends

Explicit lyrics: go for it J

Suicide: better ways to deal with life, I sympathize with people who are at risk and try to listen to them, make them feel loved 

Killing people: against

Using someone: against

DO YOU..

Have a crush on someone: no, I wish though because I’d like to get into a relationship but there’s no one I want….L

Think about suicide: not seriously, but I write about it a lot.  Also, I was unnecessarily on anti-depressants when I was nine and had suicidal dreams for a bit.

Wish you could live somewhere else: New Zealand, or actually Maryland or North West coast

Stand out: Among some of my more ‘repressed’ friends like a sore thumb but with others I tend to fit but am unique and eye catching

Write in cursive or print: cursive, unless I am angry and writing poetry then print so I can read it again

Skateboard: when I was seven I mastered rolling down the sidewalk but I never really liked it

Snowboard: never, but I would love to

Surf: body-boarding in California

Want more piercings: yes, belly button and a couple facial (side of lip)

Want more tattoos: yes, many many more

HAVE YOU

Ever cried over a girl: yes, she was leaving, and I cried so hard because I was angry at her

Ever cried over a guy: never, I wanted to though, and had reasons enough but I couldn’t

Ever cried at a chick flick: never, it’s not easy for me to cry

Ever lied to someone: all the time

Ever broke a compact disk: yup.  Burned it after that

WHAT

Shampoo do you use: bio max volume

Toothpaste do you use: Crest

Shoes do you wear: some boot-looking things

Do you want to be when you grow up: math/science something or just a social worker

Makes you happy: making music, being good at things, laughing

Makes you sad: loneliness, boredom, uselessness, not feeling needed

NUMBER

Of times you had your heart broken: once

Of times you have been in love: never

Of times you had your name in the newspaper: no idea, big town, and I never read the paper.  I think I was in a play that got in the paper though… 

Of things you regret: so many

Of things you wear on your wrists: lots of silver bracelets and hair ties

Of belts you have: 3

PERSON WHO LAST

Made you cry: Lacey

Saw you cry: Lacey

Went to the movies with: Jamie, Kristen, my sister Karen  

Slept in your bed: me

Sent you an email: Nicole

Yelled at you: Mom

THIS OR THAT

Apples or bananas: bananas unless it’s a mixed green and red apple

Red or blue: red

Wal-mart or Target: Wal-Mart (but why!? The Chinese are taking over!)

Halloween or Christmas: Halloween, just because Christmas is so taken out of it’s purpose – to celebrate Jesus

Mouse or rat: mouse

Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter: Harry Potter but only because I’m more obsessed with it

Care bears or Tellytubbies: neither

Black or white: Black

HAVE YOU EVER..

Said you loved someone and meant it: yes, to a girl

Gone out in public in your pajamas: yes, I was ‘kidnapped’

Planned your week based on the telly: when I was young and didn’t have cable

Been on stage: yes

Been to New York: yes

Been to Hawaii: yes

Been to California: yes

Been to China: Nope

Been to Alaska: Nope

Been to England: I wish

Been to India: no

Been to Canada: no

Been to Mexico: no, next year on the mission trip though…

Been to Brazil: no

Wished you were older: yeah, but I only want to get a couple years older and then stay that young forever

FRIENDSHIP/LOVE

Believe in love at first sight: lust, sure, love after serious bonding…

Want children: no, my career comes first

Most important thing in a relationship: to be needed, to be comfortable being completely yourselves, trust and devotion, loyalty, someone to feed my vanity and ego and I return whatever I get

FINISH THE SENTENCE:

I miss:  old friends

I wish: that I could succeed in life for God

I am: young at heart, mature at mind, misjudged, and fiery.

My style is: black, metal, and glitter

People describe me as: hyper, opinionated, easy to get to know, loyal, helpful and devoted, knowledgeable, and pretty

 I am tired of: not having a boyfriend

I want to be: good at guitar and a frickin’ genius

I will always be: unfulfilled, but full of life to make up for it.

 This is my second to last day here before Christian church camp.  I'm going to Thousand Pines in California.  It'll be fun and a lot of my friends are going, but without my music or my guitar or anything  I'm going to die.  Last year we went to Catalina Island.  That was awesome.  But when I came home at the end of last year, the next day (after nearly colapsing with joy in the shower because it was warm and I didn't have to bathe with four other girls) I flipped on the television just for a minute and I saw the Chef Boyardee comercial where the mother doesn't buy the ravioli but the can rolls all the way to the little girl anyway;  and I was bawling.  I don't cry easy, it's really hard, but I was just like a little baby, the comercial was so beautiful and so sweet and I hadn't seen tv in a week.  It was all so emotional that I was crying.  I couldn't watch anymore though, I was so used to not having it.

This summer won't be as great as last year I don't think because Katie's not going and Katie was the best tent mate ever.  And also because we're freshmen in the highschool group, we're not the 'big eigth-graders' like the end of last year.  But oh well, camp is always the best, but oh, how I miss my guitar!

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Your Love Style is Manic

For you, love is the ultimate rollercoaster And you love to hold on tight and enjoy the ride Every time you fall in love, it feels like the first time And while it's exciting and exhilarating... It's also stressful and scary!

This is a pic I took a couple months ago with my glasses....

This morning my dad woke me up at 7:15 to go walking with him. It's summer, I'm supposed to sleep in!! But my dad wants to keep his blood sugar down and we decided to loose weight together. So this summer, I'm gonna be going to the Multi-Gen to swim laps like I did last summer, and this year I can use the weight room to gain muscle. That's all I really want. I'm at a nice weight for my height (125 5'5" ) but I'm weak and easily over powered. Like, when I play-hit my guy friends they hit back and they win so easily. Also, gotta get strong for the concerts that are coming up. Bleeding Through with Zaeo and Darkest Hour, then Slipknot, and what ever else is coming. I have to hold my own. I'm pretty aggressive at concerts so I have to be able to back up what I do. No sense in slamming to get to the front and then getting shoulder slammed by a huge guy, then landing on the floor just to eat mexican tile. So that's what I'm gonna try to do. When my friend comes in July we have to teach her how to mosh. She's into country *can I vomit now?* but slowly we're fixing that. I just want this summer to be awesome, and I'm sure it will be.

I wrote this on my birthday (3.24) and my thoughts about "my life is being taken from me by my parents" "my parents are killing my inner child" reminded me so much of this poem.  So I want it here, just to you know, juxtapose it with what I'm feeling now.

I feel so….not me…..

I’m so happy, it’s depressing

Out of nowhere, I suddenly realize

I’m about to cry

I just had one of the best days

And my eyes are burning

With a heat they haven’t felt for six years

But I can’t cry now

My mother, my poor mother will wonder

I feel beautiful

So violently feminine that I could kill with a look

But I feel hollow

As if I’ve been ripped inside out

And all of my wants and needs to be seen

And who could not see them

When the inside of me

Is a young girl in a gray dress, hands in her hair

Blood shot eyes boring into your soul

But blind none the less

She knows everything

But pretends to see nothing

And she’s about to cry

It’s not pearling tears of joy

Because she’s out of her second skin

She hates that, she feels naked

It’s not bloody tears of pain

Even though that trickle of her red blood contrasts

With the pallor of her skin

It’s not tears blackened with sadness

She is a child, happy and blithe

She /was/ a child, cheerful and bright

It’s tears of grief

She has lost her purity

Not of body, but of mind

She’s seen the gray side

And she can’t go back